HOW TO WIN YOUR BREAKUP

Welcome to your Breakup Celebration! Keep in mind: you may lose some of the breakup battles, but you can win the war. Hi, I'm Sis and I'll be your Breakup Coach for the day. Enjoyable (and strong) breakups is basically a skill of mine and I'd love to share my secrets with you.

Before we get into the specific tips please keep in mind that we will be reacting appropriately to the situation. Now's the time to feel your feelings or admit to yourself that you're actually relieved to be done with the relationship. The first few days after a breakup, I talk and emote more than I do in weeks on end during times of peaceful routine. I give myself the green light on just about everything I feel inclined to do. That means, I might redial my ex 50 times back-to-back; make a total fool of myself; pretend to burst into tears in an (almost certain-to-fail) attempt to manipulate/gauge/prolong/sway him and the situation; call the man every foul name I can think of; and, come up with 20 foolproof plans to ruin his life all in the name of feeling better.

I take this time to cry, rant, threaten, scream, withdraw, scheme, rage, escape, lightly numb myself. (Caramel Core ice cream and Netflix binge anyone?) I encourage you to do just about anything you can think of doing if it will give you even a moment of relief. But I also strongly suggest you put a time limit on your wallowing activities or get yourself a chaperone (or as I like to call it: a Breakup Bestie). Never do anything dangerous or damaging to your health. And let's keep the illegal activities to a minimum, ok? So, no taking your ex's car unless you are still legally married and live in a community ownership state (just kidding, sort of). The bitch isn't worth it, sweetie. All forms of self-harm immediately loses the breakup war and enters into new territory which this article in no way covers. If your breakup is causing you extreme emotional pain and you are self-harming or thinking of self-harming please speak with your guardian, a licensed profession or seek help here. Now, if you're ready for some wholesome breakup celebration fun please proceed understanding you are free to react to this situation, but you must remain mindful and be appropriate if you want to win big. Here's what I suggest:

  1. Laugh: Memes, YouTube videos, comedy specials, calling up that buddy who always makes you laugh - the whole nine. Do whatever you can to get yourself laughing. If you have to induce laughter by simulating it like a nut, do what you got to do to start cackling like a little witch. Think of how dumb your ex is, for instance. That always helps me. When you start laughing you immediately start healing. Your brain gets pumped full of feel-good hormones which I find particularly helpful with...

  2. Mind Movies! These are thought experiments. Don't sleep on this tip, boo. Even Einstein loved a good thought experiment. What I like to do with my evil thought experiments after a breakup is imagine that I'm Beyoncé in the "Best Thing I Never Had" video and imagine my ex one day regretting ruining a relationship with someone as posh as I am. This quiet, private breakup celebration activity can literally last months where I imagine endless scenarios in my mind. (Listening to basically any Beyoncé, Rhianna, or Cardi B song helps here.) I imagine my ex seeing me out, dressed to kill, living an amazing life and me...not being able to hear his name, for instance. Now, let me just tell you this...

  3. Brainstorming evil plots is also an excellent breakup celebration activity and falls under the scope of "mind movies" technically. And as much as I want that sucker to pay I'm asking you not to act on any of your evil plots. Just inwardly ponder them and let all the power flood your blood, because you'll be standing in a place of knowing you could make your ex's life a living hell, but you're way too classy. Any evil idea that involves cars, clothes, fire, bleach, dog shit, and smashing glass works for this particular kind of mind movie. I think you understand what I'm saying. Just keep in mind: the bitch ain't worth going to jail for. So,  you'll be doing all these evil activities from the confines of your limitless mind which is way more satisfying than it sounds. And it's sort of similar to...

  4. Manifesting with dark energy! Another big time favorite of mine. People do it all the time without realizing. When you imagine being successful even though your demon middle school teacher said you would never amount to anything you're manifesting with dark energy. You're taking their disgusting, projected self-loathing and you're using it to drive you forward. You can do the same thing with your ex. All the things you desire to do for yourself and your life, allow the negative emotions you're feeling right now to add fuel to your fire baby! And while you have all this extra emotional energy propelling you forward, it's a good time to...

  5. Smash pedestals! You got to bring your ex down to size in you own mind. You need to understand right here and right now that this is just one human being and he or she is only as important to your life and future as you allow them to be in your own mind. If you're committed to feeling better you'll find that they just aren't that important at all. They're not so important that moving on without them will reduce you. I mean, for one, they clearly have bad taste to have let someone as amazing as you go. The way to get your ex-beloved off that damn pedestal is to...

  6. Kill it with logic! This person isn't a god. They aren't all that. You know all the character flaws they possess. You've smelled his or her stinking breath and shit. You know the actual state of their finances and immaturity level. Life is bigger than this person and bigger than this relationship. There are billions of other people on the planet to explore, and it's highly likely that you can find someone more aligned with you, your personal values, and priorities. Imagine being in a relationship with someone you don't have to teach, train, beg, persuade, and make repeat requests to for the same things. Logically, if you two were meant to work you would be working. Even if you and this person reconcile at a future date when you both are much more prepared to contribute to one another's life in harmonious and healthy ways, that day isn't today. Onward...

  7. Dignity over depression! I suspect that many people (women especially) fall into a dark place because they falsely believe this person's inability to appreciate them somehow means they are less-than. The breakup blues may come from the fact that someone you love is no longer willing to fight for the relationship. It could be that you're sad over all the time you've lost. Or, your heart may simply be broken. But if there's a thought in your mind of worthlessness, then I beg you to choose dignity instead. Dignity is the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. Understand that this ending doesn't reduce, define or limit you. It doesn't matter what your ex did or said you are still worthy of honor and respect! I want you to remember that. Oh and...

  8. Remember the bad times! I think the number one mistake a lot of people make after a breakup is remembering all the good times you had with this person. I think this is the leading cause of calling your ex or responding to those weird ass "hey stranger" and "what you doing?" texts that come in the booty call hours of the night when you are well past your allotted breakup recovery time. After a breakup, I highly recommend the discontinuation of all sexual activities as sex is likely to confuse you on your mission. Not to mention, this is war! Don't go sleeping with the enemy! So what if you're bored, lonely and have nothing better to do and think this is the worst thing to ever happen in your young life! Instead...

  9. Invoke the law of relativity! The end of this relationship isn't the end of the world. Some people weren't as blessed and fortunate as we are to make it to see today. Remember that when those pesky emotions try to convince you to spiral into some lame ass woe-is-me insidious thought pattern. Get out by thinking of how awesome your life actually is compared to how bad it could be. I mean, you could still be committed to your dumb ass ex, for instance. Ugh! I shiver at the thought. Oh, and while we're on the subject of commitments...

  10. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT seek another lover during your breakup celebration. Instead opt for immediate self-improvement work! I have a saying it's "After a breakup, I don't get a new boo. I get new goals." Listen, nobody understands better than me how a little revenge/breakup/one-night-stand/recovery sex can really light you up like a Christmas tree in Central Park on Christmas eve. (Smile.) But just because you want to and could, doesn't mean you should. Do something extraordinary and really unexpected like budgeting, organizing, cleaning, going to the gym, writing a manuscript about how not to date idiots, or being of service to someone and always always always...

  11. Choose love! One monkey don't stop the show, babe. Keep loving yourself and others. Stay open to receive the love you deserve. I promise it's on the way. Stay open.

(And if all else fails, wine. Lots of wine.)

Now, get back to your Breakup Celebration and enjoy yourself!

Fuck your ex. I love you.

a

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